Love

The talks in my ward's sacrament meeting today were very uplifting, motivating, and insightful to me. Fabio, a member of my ward, spoke on love, and the high councilman spoke on service. Fabio's talk felt so personal to me, I want to share the insights I gained from his talk.

Fabio said that love creates reasons. If a husband's wife is drowning and he has to think whether or not he wants to save her from distress, logically reasoning out in his mind the things she offers him and whether or not it would be in his best interest to risk sacrificing his own life to save her, he doesn't truly love her. But if he loves her, he will jump in and try to save her, without needing to reason in his mind whether or not he wants to. This made me think about my blog a couple weeks ago in which I talked about how love is the only good motivation for doing things. It seems as if this is an important lesson Heavenly Father wants me to learn.

Fabio also said that when we love something, we love it as an end, not as a means for some personal benefit. And because we love that thing as an end, we also love whatever is good for that thing. What they love becomes what we love, and their concerns become our concerns. Therefore, if we love Heavenly Father, what He loves becomes what we love, and His concerns become our concerns. When Fabio said this, I realized that is how we learn to love every human being on this earth.

Sometimes I have pondered on the commandment to have charity, and how difficult it is to truly feel love for everyone on the earth, including the people who annoy me or hurt me. When I have felt overwhelmed by this commandment, I have tried to remember that I shouldn't expect perfection of myself now, but that I can and must remember that God loves them. And I can believe and trust in that love, even if I'm not feeling a whole lot of it at the moment. That was the first part of my answer, and I feel that the second part came to me in Fabio's talk today.

When I find it difficult to love a particular person, not only can I remember that God loves them, but I can revamp my efforts to love God. As I love God more purely, I will love what He loves more purely--including His children I find difficult to love. As I focus on loving God--the first and great commandment--the commandment to love my neighbor will become more feasible and more attainable. And, for me, the task of learning to love God feels less daunting than the task of learning to love my neighbor (i.e., every human being on the earth).

I also find the thought that God's concerns can become my concerns very exciting. His work and glory can become my work and glory. I can learn to connect whatever I am doing in the day to bringing to pass the eternal life of man. I can learn to not care about what is not eternally important. And I can do this by conscientiously striving to love God more deeply.

This evening I read a quote on my friend's website that I really appreciated:
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life; that word is love." - Sophocles

And a couple lines from Cheri Call's song "Brokenhearted":
"Broken hearts are deeper;
They've been open wide
And the tears become containers
To hold more love inside
And truly feel what only the brokenhearted can."

I hope and pray that as I learn to God more purely:
My love for Him will motivate me to do the right things,
I will see His children more as He sees them and love them as He loves them,
My daily tasks will take on new meaning as my work will become a mission revolving around His concerns rather than a number of obstacles revolving around my own,
I will be more able to carry the weight and pain of the world because of how His love strengthens and upholds me, and
I will use my life challenges as opportunities to become more compassionate.

Just as Fabio said today, love truly does make the world go round.

The Richness of my Life

Today I am grateful for:

The pink, purple, and blue flowers by the entrance of the library
The Cox Cabin
My roommates
The fragrant lilies in my living room
Unlimited night minutes on my cell phone
The Provo temple
The enthusiasm of my religion teacher
The calmness of my English 315 teacher
The William Baker Devotional last Tuesday
The Mary Lou Fulton research grant that paid for our San Francisco trip
The good people I went to San Francisco with
My camera
My new clothes
Love
Friendly people
How Heavenly Father helped me with my waltz and tango tests today
Chad
Natural lighting
Air conditioning
Scripture study
The videos of my nephews Audra sent to Mom and Mom forwarded to me
The opportunity to learn new things every day
Inspirational quotes
My health and energy
People who are different from me
My mom
The knowledge of the Plan of Salvation
Forgiveness

Affirmations for today:

My worth does not come from how skinny or athletic or smart or beauitful I am. My worth comes from the fact that Jesus Christ gave His life for me.

God has given me His love, and I can share it with a world that so desperately needs it. I can choose to live unselfishly and give my heart to the people around me.

I cannot know the reasons behind others’ actions, but I can choose to give them the benefit of the doubt and love them for who they are. I can leave judgment to the Lord (D & C 82:23).

Although it’s easy for me to become impatient and want to know everything right now, it’s important for me to exercise faith. I need to trust in God—that He will lead me along and teach me line upon line, precept upon precept.

The Lord repeatedly says in the Doctrine and Covenants that if we turn our will over to Him, all things (even hard, painful things) will work together for our good. That applies to me, too.

Although my society tells me to be individualistic, I can strive not to be. A good life is one that is connected to other human beings. I can choose to isolate myself, or I can choose to connect to the people around me. I can look for the similarities in our humanity and appreciate the differences in our personalities and viewpoints.

While it is true that I can’t do everything, I can do something. And it is by small and simple things that great things are brought to pass (Alma 37:6).

And as a closing note, and a reminder of how much learning I have to go, here's a story President Kimball gave in his talk, “The False Gods We Worship” in the June 1976 Ensign:

“One man I know of was called to a position of service in the Church, but he felt that he couldn’t accept because his investments required more attention and more of his time than he could spare for the Lord’s work. He left the service of the Lord in search of Mammon, and he is a millionaire today.

“But I recently learned an interesting fact: If a man owns a million dollars worth of gold at today’s prices, he possesses approximately one 27-billionth of all the gold that is present in the earth’s thin crust alone. This is an amount so small in proportion as to be inconceivable to the mind of man. But there is more to this: The Lord who created and has power over all the earth created many other earths as well, even ‘worlds without number’ (Moses 1:33); and when this man received the oath and covenant of the priesthood (D&C 84:33–44), he received a promise from the Lord of “all that my Father hath” (D&C 84:38). To set aside all these great promises in favor of a chest of gold and a sense of carnal security is a mistake in perspective of colossal proportions. To think that he has settled for so little is a saddening and pitiful prospect indeed; the souls of men are far more precious than this.”

Truly, souls are the treasure of this earth, not money or things (see D & C 111:2).

Ice Cream Day

Happy National Ice Cream Day everybody!! Teri and I celebrated by finishing off the carton of chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer. Ahhh, the joy of ice cream. And speaking of ice cream, last Friday I tried a flavor that was divine--it's Ben and Jerry's "Everything But The..." flavor. Lots of chunks of candy-bar goodness. I'm glad I could take the time today to celebrate the good ice cream has done in my life. Just look at how happy it made Adam and me in Italy!

Listening for a Whisper

"And it came to pass when they heard this voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul." -Helaman 5:30

"For those who shall be destroyed shall speak unto them out of the ground, and their speech shall be low out of the dust, and their voice shall be as one that hath a familiar spirit; for the Lord God will give unto him power, that he may whisper concerning them, even as it were out of the ground; and their speech shall whisper out of the dust." -2 Nephi 26:16

"The Spirit of the Lord usually communicates with us in ways that are quiet, delicate, and subtle." -Elder David A. Bednar, "That We May Always Have His Spirit to Be with Us," Ensign May '06

"Don't expect thunder when the still, small voice will do." -Bishop Beck

Family History

I went to the Family History library today and worked on family history for a little bit. I found out that I have 3,260 names in my direct line! That is a lot of names. My grandparents and aunts have done a lot of my work, and I am indebted to them. I also found out that I have 38 ancestors whose first names are Abigail! Who knew? Family history is so exciting, I look forward to learning more about it.

What are my reasons?

For the last week or so, I have been thinking a lot about motivations. Last term I had an automatic motivation to study for my classes--to prepare for Romania. I want so badly to be well prepared for my experiences in Romania, and so the motivation to work hard came naturally. I loved class and I loved studying. What I did each day had meaning and purpose.

But as the new term started last week, I found myself dreading class and everything that went along with it. I had to stop and ask myself, "Why am I going to school? Why am I taking these classes? Why do I want to get good grades?" These questions really helped me analyze my life--what I was doing with it and what I wanted from it. Honestly answering these questions helped me see where I was going wrong, and how I could make my life more meaningful. I realized I could do this with a change of motivation.

As I thought about this question--"What are my reasons for doing what I'm doing?"--one of my favorite movie quotes came to mind. It's from "A Beautiful Mind," when John Nash is giving his nobel prize acceptance speech. He says, "I've made the most important discovery of my life. It's only in the mysterious equation of love that any logical reasons can be found. I'm only here tonight because of you. You are the only reason I am...you are all my reasons." I've heard that he didn't actually say this, which is kind of disappointing, but regardless, I think it's so poignant and right-on. Nash was talking about his wife in the quote, but I want to take it out of context and think of it in broader terms. That love is really the only good reasoning behind anything.

In my IAS class last term, one of the program facilitators made the comment that he wonders how love could function in our economic, social, and political systems. He wonders how these systems would be different if love was the motivating force behind them. I think that's a very interesting thought.

And then yesterday as I was reading my scriptures, I read 2 Nephi 25:26 which says: "And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." When I read this, the statement came to my mind, "Christ was all their reasons." And truly, that's what I think it comes down to--Christ is the whole reason we have anything and everything we have, including life, and He should be the whole reason we do everything we do with our lives.

Joseph Smith taught that the most divine attribute was love, and John 4:8 says God is love. And so really, that's what Nash was saying, without realizing it--that the only good and logical reasoning behind anything is God.

And then in studying my Doctrine and Covenants student manual, I came across a quote that reiterates this principle. In talking about the different reasons people choose to be obedient, Elder Robert L. Simpson said, "The best reason of all is illustrated by the person who feels the desire to do right because he wants to add glory to his Father in heaven" ("Cast Your Burden upon the Lord," New Era, Jan. 1977, p. 4). And really, this stems in love--when we love God, we want to glorify Him. When we selflessly serve others, we demonstrate our love for God and we add to His glory.

I think happiness lies in living with this motivation. If our actions are motivated by love for the Savior and desire to glorify Him, we will find meaning, purpose, and fulfillment in our lives. That is why my life was so happy last term--what I did day in and day out was motivated by love. Love for the orphans I will work with, for the people in Romania I will serve and be served by. And by so doing, I was in a small way glorifying God.

This task of having our actions be motivated by the right reasons is a tricky one, because we have to continually battle what Satan tells us our reasons should be. And Satan's reasons are all essentially selfish. It's so much easier to be selfish than charitable. But at the same time, there's no meaning, purpose, or fulfillment in a life of selfishenss. So really, it's worth battling these selfish motivations and working to cultivate motivations of love. I imagine I'll be fighting this battle for the rest of my life.

Helping, Fixing, and Serving

Last term in my IAS class I read an article that I thought was extremely profound, and so I thought I'd share it with y'all! Enjoy!

Rachel Naomi Remen / Kitchen Table Wisdom / September 1999

Helping, Fixing or Serving?

"Fixing and helping create a distance between people, but we cannot serve at a distance. We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected."

Helping, fixing and serving represent three different ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak. When you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. Fixing and helping may be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul.

Service rests on the premise that the nature of life is sacred, that life is a holy mystery which has an unknown purpose. When we serve, we know that we belong to life and to that purpose. From the perspective of service, we are all connected: All suffering is like my suffering and all joy is like my joy. The impulse to serve emerges naturally and inevitably from this way of seeing.

Serving is different from helping. Helping is not a relationship between equals. A helper may see others as weaker than they are, needier than they are, and people often feel this inequality. The danger in helping is that we may inadvertently take away from people more than we could ever give them; we may diminish their self-esteem, their sense of worth, integrity or even wholeness.

When we help, we become aware of our own strength. But when we serve, we don’t serve with our strength; we serve with ourselves, and we draw from all of our experiences. Our limitations serve; our wounds serve; even our darkness can serve. My pain is the source of my compassion; my woundedness is the key to my empathy.

Serving makes us aware of our wholeness and its power. The wholeness in us serves the wholeness in others and the wholeness in life. The wholeness in you is the same as the wholeness in me. Service is a relationship between equals: our service strengthens us as well as others. Fixing and helping are draining, and over time we may burn out, but service is renewing. When we serve, our work itself will renew us. In helping we may find a sense of satisfaction; in serving we find a sense of gratitude.

Harry, an emergency physician, tells a story about discovering this. One evening on his shift in a busy emergency room, a woman was brought in about to give birth. When he examined her, Harry realized immediately that her obstetrician would not be able to get there in time and he was going to deliver this baby himself. Harry likes the technical challenge of delivering babies, and he was pleased. The team swung into action, one nurse hastily opening the instrument packs and two others standing at the foot of the table on either side of Harry, supporting the woman’s legs on their shoulders and murmuring reassurance. The baby was born almost immediately.

While the infant was still attached to her mother, Harry laid her along his left forearm. Holding the back of her head in his left hand, he took a suction bulb in his right and began to clear her mouth and nose of mucous. Suddenly, the baby opened her eyes and looked directly at him. In that instant, Harry stepped past all of his training and realized a very simple thing: that he was the first human being this baby girl had ever seen. He felt his heart go out to her in welcome from all people everywhere, and tears came to his eyes.

Harry has delivered hundreds of babies, and has always enjoyed the excitement of making rapid decisions and testing his own competency. But he says that he had never let himself experience the meaning of what he was doing before, or recognize what he was serving with his expertise. In that flash of recognition he felt years of cynicism and fatigue fall away and remembered why he had chosen this work in the first place. All his hard work and personal sacrifice suddenly seemed to him to be worth it.

He feels now that, in a certain sense, this was the first baby he ever delivered. In the past he had been preoccupied with his expertise, assessing and responding to needs and dangers. He had been there many times as an expert, but never before as a human being. He wonders how many other such moments of connection to life he has missed. He suspects there have been many.

As Harry discovered, serving is different from fixing. In fixing, we see others as broken, and respond to this perception with our expertise. Fixers trust their own expertise but may not see the wholeness in another person or trust the integrity of the life in them. When we serve we see and trust that wholeness. We respond to it and collaborate with it. And when we see the wholeness in another, we strengthen it. They may then be able to see it for themselves for the first time.

One woman who served me profoundly is probably unaware of the difference she made in my life. In fact, I do not even know her last name and I am sure she has long forgotten mine. At twenty-nine, because of Crohn’s Disease, much of my intestine was removed surgically and I was left with an ileostomy. A loop of bowel opens on my abdomen and an ingeniously designed plastic appliance which I remove and replace every few days covers it. Not an easy thing for a young woman to live with, and I was not at all sure that I would be able to do this. While this surgery had given me back much of my vitality, the appliance and the profound change in my body made me feel hopelessly different, permanently shut out of the world of femininity and elegance.

At the beginning, before I could change my appliance myself, it was changed for me by nurse specialists called enterostomal therapists. These white-coated experts were women my own age. They would enter my hospital room, put on an apron, a mask and gloves, and then remove and replace my appliance. The task completed, they would strip off all their protective clothing. Then they would carefully wash their hands. This elaborate ritual made it harder for me. I felt shamed.

One day a woman I had never met before came to do this task. It was late in the day and she was dressed not in a white coat but in a silk dress, heels and stockings. She looked as if she was about to meet someone for dinner. In a friendly way she told me her first name and asked if I wished to have my ileostomy changed. When I nodded, she pulled back my covers, produced a new appliance, and in the most simple and natural way imaginable removed my old one and replaced it, without putting on gloves. I remember watching her hands. She had washed them carefully before she touched me. They were soft and gentle and beautifully cared for. She was wearing a pale pink nail polish and her delicate rings were gold.

At first, I was stunned by this break in professional procedure. But as she laughed and spoke with me in the most ordinary and easy way, I suddenly felt a great wave of unsuspected strength come up from someplace deep in me, and I knew without the slightest doubt that I could do this. I could find a way. It was going to be all right.

I doubt that she ever knew what her willingness to touch me in such a natural way meant to me. In ten minutes she not only tended my body, but healed my wounds. What is most professional is not always what best serves and strengthens the wholeness in others. Fixing and helping create a distance between people, an experience of difference. We cannot serve at a distance. We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected, that which we are willing to touch. Fixing and helping are strategies to repair life. We serve life not because it is broken but because it is holy.

Serving requires us to know that our humanity is more powerful than our expertise. In forty-five years of chronic illness I have been helped by a great number of people, and fixed by a great many others who did not recognize my wholeness. All that fixing and helping left me wounded in some important and fundamental ways. Only service heals.

Service is not an experience of strength or expertise; service is an experience of mystery, surrender and awe. Helpers and fixers feel causal. Servers may experience from time to time a sense of being used by larger unknown forces. Those who serve have traded a sense of mastery for an experience of mystery, and in doing so have transformed their work and their lives into practice.

Rachel Naomi Remen,m.d. is Associate Clinical Professor of Family and Community Medicine at U.C.S.F. Medical School and co-founder and medical director of the Commonweal Cancer Help Program. She is author of the bestseller, Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal

Family

Today I had the blessed opportunity to go up to Aspen Grove and sit in on a fireside in which President Thomas S. Monson spoke. It was in the outside amphitheater, with the view of mountains and trees on both sides. Simply beautiful. For part of the talk he spoke on his love of the book The Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. He quoted Jacob Marley saying, "Business?! Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!" How right he was. I hope to live this truth throughout my life. People is what life is about. Family, friends, relationships is what life is about.

Three weeks ago I attended a day of the Howe family reunion in Fairview. I've been wanting to mention it in my blog since then, but I have been putting it off because I don't feel I have the words to describe how much it meant to me. There is a connection I feel with those people that I don't have with anyone else on the earth. There is so much power in family connections. I love them so dearly, and I am so grateful for them. I am so grateful for the example my aunts and uncles set for me. I watched them closely throughout the day, and I could feel the love they had for each other, especially during those moments when they worked together.

The night I attended the reunion was a Sunday, and we had a fireside on missionary work. Every one who had served a mission spoke about their mission--what they learned, what was hard, how they've been blessed by it. The Spirit in the room was extremely thick, and I don't think I'll ever forget that feeling. I watched the wives look at their husbands as they spoke about their missions, and I could see the love and admiration in their faces. To the world, there is nothing magnificent about these couples--they are just normal people getting older and less glamorous as they struggle to raise their kids. But in the light of the Spirit of that room, the beauty of their relationships shone. Still, as I think of their love for and commitment to each other, as I think of the lives of sacrifice they lead for their families and the gospel, I can think of nothing more beautiful.

When it was my grandma's turn to speak, she said what she says every time she has an opportunity to speak to her family--that every person in her family is her eternal, priceless gift. My grandma certainly has caught hold of the vision that Jacob Marley never did. She has made mankind her business throughout her entire life. She has left no doubt in my mind as to her love for me, as to how much she cherishes me. This is a gift that not every person has in life, and I am so, so grateful for it.

A week ago I attended another family reunion, one which was not my own. It was fascinating to observe them and sense that they felt the same love and connection to each other that I had felt with my Howe family. The power of family links was tangible to me then, even when they were not my own. This power is hard for me to describe, to put into words. But I know it is real, and I know it is the reason for which the earth was made (see D & C 138:47-48). I know that this power I felt is the result of covenants made in temples of the Lord, covenants which transcend any kind of beauty the world has to offer. These covenants are the most sublime force in the world, and I am so grateful that I was born into a family in which they were made. My family is the world to me, and I hope they know how much I adore them and how grateful I am for their love, support, examples, and friendship.

With God, For the People

Today I finished the most inspirational book that I want all of you to experience the joy of!! It's called With God, For the People. It's the autobiography of Laszlo Tokes, "the man who sparked the Romanian Revolution." But don't think that it's just my peculiar zeal for Romania that makes me love this book so much--I really think all Christians would like this book, even if they don't have an interest or investment in Romania's history. Laszlo Tokes is a pastor who fought against corruption all through Ceauşescu's reign, and continuously and courageously fought for the causes of Christianity. And his efforts eventually led to the overthrow of Ceauşescu. It's an amazingly beautiful story. Similar to The Hiding Place (another book I highly recommend). But I'd say it's a little bit of a quicker read than The Hiding Place was. Anyway, I don't think it's a very popular book, so it may not be in your city's library, but I'd say it's worth the few bucks of buying it off half.com if it isn't. It is told by David Porter.

Tender mercies continued

So, guess what I realized today? Forgetting my English 315 book at the devotional yesterday was a tender mercy! Because if I hadn't lost the book, I wouldn't have asked Courtney in my tap dance class (who was also in my English 315 class) if I could borrow her book. I ended up giving her a ride home from tap class yesterday so I could borrow her book for the night and return it to her in class the next day. I went into the apartment with Courtney to get the book. It turned out that she shared the book with her roommate, who was taking the same class at 10-12 with a different teacher. Courtney's roommate and I got to talking about her section of the class, which made me want to switch into her section (the section I'm in now). And I did! And now I am taking a wonderful class at 10 am in a room with natural lighting with a kind professor. If I hadn't lost my book, I wouldn't have gone over to Courtney's, and her roommate wouldn't have given me the idea to switch sections. I would've just stayed in the section I was registered for and life would not be as grand as it is now! Plus, the next morning I got my book back from the Lost and Found Office! It must've been destiny. (That one's for you, Chad. :) )

Other random thought from the day: I had no idea it was so expensive to dry clean a dress! Maybe the place I took my dress to was just super expensive, but they charged me over 10 bucks for it! Ouch! I could've bought a whole new shirt with that money. *Sigh.

Tender mercies

Glorious news!! First of all, I want to thank you all for your prayers, because a charitable soul did turn in my English 315 book!! I am so grateful for them, I hope they are blessed for their charity. Second of all, I changed my English 315 class to a different time, place, and teacher, all three of which are improvements! I am so grateful. The time is 10-12 instead of 2-4 (hooray for getting class over early in the day!!). The place is on the upper floor of the HFAC with windows looking out into a healthy green tree and blue skies rather than in the basement of the JFSB with fluorescent-lighting (hooray for natural lighting!). The teacher is a young, down-to-earth, pragmatic graduate student rather than an old, acrimonious, cocky professor. And she even brought up the cultural aspects of writing quite a few times in her lecture today, which just made me so happy. The time, place, and personality of the teacher of this new class are all tender mercies.

Today has just been such a better day than yesterday. I woke up with more energy, and I just feel more excited about this new term and more motivated to study for my classes. I felt happy with my improvement in dance this morning. And then my English 315 book was in the Lost and Found office! And you already have heard about how much I love my new English 315 class. And then on the way home I ran into one of my old London friends, Brandon, and we had a good half-hour chat in the sun. It was so good to talk with him again, I hadn't had a good conversation with him since London. And then Kari called me, who is getting married this Friday in the Mt. Timpanogos temple and I get to go to her reception!! I am so, so happy for that girl. Has this been a good day or what?

Jess, in your blog you mentioned the small things that make life wonderful. Here is a list of mine:
Clorox bleach
Comfortable couches
Visits with old friends
Sisters
Embracing uncertainty
Hope
Laughter
Cell phone messages
Children
Afghans
Summertime
Charitable souls who bring books they find in the DeJong Concert Hall to the Lost and Found Office
Long drives with people you adore
Okay, so I guess most of those things aren't so small, but they sure do make life wonderful!!

A new term is dawning

1 in 14 adults experience tiredness as a side-effect of the Hepatitis A vaccine, and I think I'm one of them. The informational sheet they gave me doesn't mention any side-effects of having an extra strong appetite or experiencing moments of forgetfulness, but I wish it did, because then I'd have something to blame those on, too. Somewhere between the devotional and my D & C class today I abandoned my English 315 book. If it weren't for that moment of brain loss, I would be working on homework for that class right now. But alas, the book is nowhere to be found. Please pray that some charitable soul found it and took it to the Lost and Found office--I had a nice visit to them today and they said it wouldn't have gotten to them so soon, so to check back tomorrow morning. That book cost beaucoup bucks, so I'm really hoping and praying that it will be there tomorrow morning.

I'm having withdrawals from last term. I just loved what I was studying so, so much, and I'm sad that those classes are over. I miss talking about culture. Yesterday as I was walking back to my English 315 class during the break, I passed a flyer advertising an anthropology class on Asian religions--Buddhism, Hinduism, Confucianism, Taoism, Feng-Shui. I almost started hyperventilating for desire to take it. But then I remembered how earlier that day I had mapped out what classes I still need to take before graduation, and I really don’t have time to take it. That is if I want to graduate next August. Which I really should. Too bad I can’t stay in college for the rest of my life learning about awesome things and getting minors in anthropology and gerontology and social work and geography and dance.

Speaking of dance, you know how I had mentioned earlier how last term was fun because I felt like I was a good dancer in my country dance class? Well, those days are definitely over. I’m in silver standard now and it’s so dang hard. We’ve only had two days of class, and Brent (our teacher) has taught us nearly the whole Waltz routine. Notice how I didn’t say “we’ve learned the whole Waltz routine.” Because I certainly haven’t. Two days is an incredibly short amount of time to learn a routine with seven new figures interwoven into figures I learned in bronze. I’ve always been a slow learner at dance, and I’m feeling just a tad bit overwhelmed. I keep reminding myself that I’m going to retake it in the winter, so not to fret.

Brent has really been pushing us to compete in a dance competition in Las Vegas this August, and today a guy in the class asked me if I wanted to compete with him. He’s not very good, but I’m not very good either, and at least he’s taller than me. We could work together to get better, and then maybe after the competition I could make my long-awaited visit to the Grand Canyon. The competition is the night of Thursday August 17, the day after my last final, and then I could go to the Grand Canyon for the next couple of days. Hmmm. Now the question is if I can find anyone to go with me.

So, English 315 is going to be a long two hours every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. If anyone has any ideas for making long classes go by faster, pray tell!! But the good news is that I really liked my D & C teacher today. His name is Alexander Baugh and he’s the type of religion teacher I like—knowledgeable, enthusiastic, fast-paced, and uplifting. His teaching style is a tender mercy.

And finally, an entry on my musings would really not be complete without a mention of Chad. Because let’s see, what made me think of him today… a guy in my dance class is from Ecuador and was wearing a bracelet that said Ecuador on it, my religion teacher’s son-in-law played football for Snow college, I ate a pear (his favorite fruit) for lunch, Guin and Amy asked me about him, the girl next to me in my religion class drew a picture of herself hiking a mountain in the “interests” section of the get-to-know-you sheet Brother Baugh had us fill out (and that’s what he’s doing today—well, technically, they are hiking a volcano), etc. You catch my drift. It's a good preview for what September through December will be like.

P.S. The devotional by Gerald Williams was amazing today. It was on conflict resolution. I’m going to listen to it again sometime while I’m getting ready for the day. I would recommend that everyone do the same—he offers some very insightful, well-thought-out ideas. Go here for a free mp3 recording of it:
http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=browse&speaker=Williams%2C+Gerald+R.&topic=&type=&year=&x=4&y=10

My excuse

Hello!! For all those of you who have been anxiously awaiting for me to add a new entry to my blog--and especially to those I have promised an update--I have one excuse: a certain boy named Chad. I just got back from a wonderful weekend at his mom's side of the family's reunion at his dad's side of the family's cabin. (Hopefully that made sense.) He has such a wonderful family. We went for a little four-wheeling trip to a lake, we went on a little walk in a grove of trees to find the tree he engraved his initials on, we ate really good food, we played softball and tennis (my tennis was pretty bad though, sorry to say), we went to a friend's wedding reception, and we went to the Manti Pageant. It's late and I need to be leaving for church in about seven hours, so I better get to bed. But I just wanted to let you all know that life is good and that on Monday Chad is leaving to go to Ecuador for a week and a half, and so to expect more blog entries during that time. Until then, Happy June to you all!

My Latest

Updates in my life:

I’m in 2 Nefi now in my Cartea lui Mormon.

I’m getting to know the kindest man on the face of the planet; I like him a lot, and I’m hoping he likes me, too.

I’m in the process of researching for and writing two lit reviews—one on reactive attachment disorder in Romanian orphans and one on alexithymia in people with body image/eating issues. I have to remind myself every so often that I love writing research papers, or else I forget.

My mom got in town last night and will be here for the next few days. Howe family reunion in Fairview tomorrow!

I’ve discovered the joy of the mp3 recordings of the most recent general conference talks on the internet.

I’m loving country social dance! It’s great fun, because since it’s a beginning class, I feel like I’m a really good dancer. Haha.

I’ve been making very good use of my family’s cell phone plan lately; between my mom and brother and me, we have 57 day minutes left for next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. I’m thinking it wasn’t my mom or brother that used up all our minutes.

I believe in the power that one person has to make a difference, and I believe that Jesus Christ has the power to save every person from their sorrows, pains, disappointments, inadequacies, sins, and heartaches.

Yesterday I just found out the super exciting news that the Jerusalem Center is opening back up for BYU students, starting this fall!!! If I weren’t going to Romania, you better believe I’d be signing myself up!

I’m still loving G-2 pens, flip-flops, ice cream, and going running.

Despite the fact that I have more to do than can ever be done, I still find myself reading These Is My Words and writing in my journal. I think that’s probably a good sign.

I am so grateful for my friends, because I have the best in the world.

In a nutshell, my life is grand.

Ode to Enchanted Light

The light under the trees,
the light from high heaven.
The green
arbor
light
that flashes
in the leaf
and falls like fresh
white sand.

A grasshopper lifts
its sawing sound
over the clearness.

The world
is a full glass
of water.

-Pablo Neruda

Women of Virtue

Today in Sunday School we talked about women of virtue, specifically Ruth and Hannah. We talked about how powerful of a force women have in the world. The world so desperately needs women of virtue.

Last week I watched a documentary on street children who live in a metro station in Bucharest. All these children grew up without the guidance of mothers, and most of them had also been beaten by whoever their caretakers were. That's why they ran away from their institutions and/or homes. They are all extraordinarily messed up. I'm sure that if I was as deprived of care as they were, I would be just as messed up as they are.

Upon being asked whether he liked to live in the metro station, one of the children, Mihai, age 12, said something to the extent of, "This life is not good. No one is here to teach me. I need someone to teach me." Another child, Macarena, age 16, who was probably the most addicted to paint out of all of them, said to one of the social workers questioningly, "I must have parents, too, right? I have a mommy and a daddy, too? But I just don't know them?" as though it was an idea that had just dawned on her, but she doubted whether it was true.

The results of growing up without a mother's love (or the knowledge of a mother's love, for those whose mothers have died) are tragic. I don't fully comprehend or appreciate the unending rippling positive effects that continue in my life because I was raised by loving parents. It's amazing to me that virtuous women, especially virtuous mothers, are so downplayed, and even degraded, by our society. Because without them, our world would be full of dysfunctional people.

One day last semester during a research meeting in which Heather Stay and I started feeling overwhelmed by the social problems we were studying, we asked Renata, "What can we do?" And her reply was, "Raise good kids." This is the conclusion of a woman who has studied social problems all her life. Truly, the world relies on virtuous women for its social health.

So today I just want to send a shout-out to all those amazing women who read this. For raising children in love, for being virtuous women. You are the source of so much happiness in my life, and you are the source of all the good things in the future!!

Weaknesses

Ether 12:27:
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

I've needed this verse in my life for the last couple days. It's important for me to remember that it doesn't say: "I give unto men weakness that they may be discouraged, depressed, and feel inadequate." Because that's missing the point. The point is that we recognize how dependent we are on God, and then turn to Him in faith, believing that He can compensate for our weaknesses. Not only that, but if we turn to Him in humility, He can help us overcome our weaknesses and make them strong points. It's truly a wonder to me.

A Quiet Heart

Too many times in my life I have told God what I need, when I need it. It's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I think my prayers have gotten rather bossy at times. Recently, I have been learning a lot about how I need to just shut up sometimes and listen. I am not God; He is. I should be asking Him what I need, not telling Him what I need. I should be expressing my desire to fulfill His will, not a desire to have all my problems taken away.

I've also realized that I need to be more mindful as I pray. How do my prayers reflect my attitudes toward and relationship with Heavenly Father? Am I a spoiled child who forgets to say "thank you"? Am I a bratty child who goes to her Father, catalogues all her needs and wants, and then walks away? Or do I remember to thank Him for all that He has given me (including the greatest gift of all--the saving and enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ)? Do I remember to ask what He thinks would be best for me? Do I seek His counsel, or am I fixated on what I want and how I can get it from Him?

I feel like I am receiving this message over and over again as I read the talks from last general conference. Here are some of the quotes that reflect this message:

A quote by President Faust in Elder Stucki's talk "Prayer, Faith, and Family: Stepping-Stones to Eternal Happiness":
"A fervent, sincere prayer is a two-way communication which will do much to bring [Christ's] Spirit flowing like healing water to help with the trials, hardships, aches, and pains we all face."

From Elder Eyring's talk "As a Child":
"Somewhat to my surprise, I found myself praying, 'Heavenly Father, it doesn't matter what I want. I don't care anymore what I want. I only want that Thy will be done. That is all that I want. Please tell me what to do.' In that moment I felt as quiet inside as I had ever felt. And the message came, and I was sure who it was from."

Prayer is a TWO-WAY communication. If I sincerely want to receive answers to my prayers, I need to quiet down my heart and listen to what the Spirit is telling me to do or what the answer to my question is. If I sincerely want to make the right choice, I must be willing to submit my will to God's. That is the only way to make the right choice.

From Elder Uchtdorf's talk "See the End from the Beginning":
"You have a responsibility to learn what Heavenly Father wants you to do and then to do your best to follow His will."

From Elder Holland's talk "Broken Things to Mend":
"It seems clear that the essence of our duty and the fundamental requirement of our mortal life is captured in these brief phrases [in which Christ] is saying to us, 'Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going,' He says, 'we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness.' He promises, 'I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.'"

I have a responsibility, a duty, a requirement to give up what I want, to listen to what God's will is for me, and then to do it. And once I do that, I will be led out of darkness and into His marvelous light. And He will make far more out of my life than I ever could.

Hooray for learning!

I am learning sooooo much, I can hardly keep up with myself. It's so exciting! About international adoption, humanitarian efforts, dealing with other people, reciprocity, analyzing your value orientations and seeing if that's really how you want to see the world, seeing the world from another person's perspective, not being ethnocentric, not freaking out over life, remembering that you don't know everything, submitting your will to God's, being a friendly person, having a quiet heart, the Romanian language, attachment disorders... It's so wonderful. This week has just been so, so great. I have to go write about my discoveries for my IAS class, but I'll hopefully write more soon!

The Y

Another marvelous day. Hiked the Y for FHE. It was beautiful--we got there right before the sunset and got to watch it and then see all the lights turn on. I was so happy and grateful, because a guy in the ward and I walked up the whole way just the two of us, and one-on-one interaction is always easiest for me. It was nice to chat with him, although it was kinda embarrassing how out of shape I am and how hard I breathed the whole way up. Haha. Oh well. We made it up in excellent time--we were the first ones to get to the top (first ones to start, too, though). I'd say maybe 25 minutes. Oh, happy day. And then afterwards, I went and visited with a girl in my ward whom I adore--she and I had Humanities together last semester and she just makes me laugh! Oh, and today was a wonderful Romanian day, too. We laughed a lot throughout the whole class. Life is good.