Transitions

I like change. I think there is value in having things mixed up every once and a while. During the course of my college career, I've been able to experience a lot of changes, because I have moved so often (including two moves to international places). It's been nice, but I have realized that while I do like the final outcome of change, I have a hard time with the transition part of change. Here’s a poem I wrote about how I sometimes feel during transitions.

Scrambled
My life is a bucket.
Turned upside down.
And emptied of all its contents.

My plans.
My purpose.
My feelings.

My thoughts.
My motivations.
My fears.

My past.
My present.
My future.

I am trying hard to gather them up.
To piece them all back together.
But all the pieces don’t fit.

They are Scrambled.
Jumbled.
Discombobulated.

I am Scrambling.
Jumbling.
Discombobulating.

I hope I’ll wake up soon.
As Mary Poppins’ carpet bag.
And everything will magically fit!

Expect resistance

"The great learner expects resistance and overcomes it." -Elder Eyring, 1997 BYU Devotional Address

I think this is great advice. For school, work, health, relationships, righteous living, etc. We are going to have resistance, but we can overcome it! And I think it'll probably be easier if we expect it. That way when it comes, we won't waste energy freaking out over it. We can instead put all our energy into overcoming it.

Loaded Questions!

I am following Jessi and Audra's lead in answering these questions from my favorite game, Loaded Questions.

Favorite kind of cereal: For healthy value: grape nuts and Great Grains. For yummy value: Lucky Charms.
What animal or insect disgusts you the most? I really don't like large hairy spiders.
What do you need more of right now? Time to read text books and write papers.
What is the hardest thing for you to do? I have a hard time motivating myself to do push ups or ab exercises after running.
Deoderant brand: Secret
How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Between 15 minutes to 1.5 hours.
What is your most prized object? I don't have one, but I do cherish my laptop, afghan, London scrapbook, and pearl necklace.
What are you thankful you're not doing now? Starving.
If you talked in your sleep, what would you say? I do talk in my sleep, and I say random, meaningless things. Actually, there's one exception to that--one time my roommate told me I bore my testimony really fast in my sleep.
What is your favorite drink? Sparkling grape juice
Favorite way to eat potatoes? Garlic mashed potatoes.
If you could be a character in any novel, who would you be? I don't want to be anyone but me, but I do like Elinor Dashwood, Jane Eyre, Anne of Green Gables, and Anne Elliot.
Favorite ice cream toppings: If I could pick one, it would be Tina and Tony's home-made caramel from the London Centre. But in just any regular context: Magic Shell and toffee bits.
Where do you want to spend the rest of your life? Lots and lots of places.
What do you bring most to a friendship? Kindness.
On a scale of 1-10, how hip are you? 6. Can anyone imagine me hip-hop dancing? Haha.
What kind of music makes you want to get up and sing? Musicals, country music, and oldies.
What are you an expert in? Playing with Romanian orphans.
What have you tried and simply were not good at? Snow-skiing.
Favorite movie line? "My heart is, and always will be...yours."
What is your "theme song"? Martina McBride's "Blessed"
What is your most annoying habit? To me--eating too much. To others--I think I talk pretty loud when I talk on the phone.
If fat, calories, etc. weren't an issue, what food would you feast on? The better question is, what food would I NOT feast on?
How much can you bench press? Not very much, but I don't really know because it's been years since I've been weight-lifting.
What fictional character would you like to meet? Sarah Agnes Prine.
What is the ultimate vacation? Somewhere I've never been before with people I love who are well-traveled and have my same values in traveling.
What is the best thing about your job? The flexibility and power I have over how I use my time.
What is the worst thing about your job? Not enough people interaction--too much reading, studying, writing papers by myself.
What is the last movie that made your eyes tear up? I can't remember. I might have teared up in "Wives and Daughters," but I can't remember.
What super-power would you like? The ability to be in a different location at the snap of my fingers--traveling and dating someone an hour away would be so much easier that way!
Would you rather be smart, rich, or beautiful? Smart.
What advice would you give to the President? Be grateful, smart, clean, true, humble, and prayerful.
What character attribute do you admire most? I have two: humility and compassion.
Where do you usually buy your clothes? Gap.
What is the nicest thing you have ever bought somebody? Audra's "Les Mis" tickets.
How would you spend $1000? I'd put it in my savings account and end up using it on a lot of little things.
What do you want to change about your life? How in shape and strong I am.
Who is your best friend? Chad.
What would you like to accomplish this year? Get in shape, graduate, get a job.
What book has had the greatest impact on your life? The Book of Mormon.
What do you do everyday? Pray, eat, talk, read.
What food do you refuse to eat? Shrimp--not because I don't like it, but because it doesn't like me. :)
What one word would you use to describe your current relationship? Blissful.
What is the best purchase you have made? My laptop.
What one word describes your life? Happily busy.

Humility and Humor

I love this picture. She looks Romanian. And really happy. One of my goals for this year is to enjoy the work and hard things in my life. I want to make the most of what I've got, and not get too stressed about anything. I want to have a sense of humor about myself and the things I'm going through. I want to laugh a lot! And I've decided that in order to do this, I gotta be humble. In order to have a sense of HUMor about myself, I gotta be HUMble! :)

I've been reading a lot of my journal entries from Romania in the last couple days, and I have just gotten a kick out of a lot of them! It's so fun to look back and laugh at myself, and laugh at how I still have a lot of the quirks found in those journal entries. Life is grand when you can laugh at yourself!

"E bine!"

Chad and I have recently had a few conversations about the pervasive attitude in our nation that we deserve whatever we want. It's normal for us to feel like we are entitled to so many things that most people in the history of the world have never had. And because of this, it's easy to fall into the trap of ungratefulness.

I haven't thought much about this until recently, and when Chad has brought it up, it has made a lot of sense to me. In Romania, the many times the phone, internet, heater, and washing machine didn't work, it was no big deal. Because we were in Romania--that's what we expected!

But since being home, I have found myself feeling so bothered when things haven't worked. There were some problems in our apartment complex this week, and so we weren't supposed to use our washing machine for a couple days, and one night our hot water had to be turned off for a little bit. Not a big deal, and yet I felt so inconvenienced! And then one day this week, in the middle of printing off a huge document for school, the printer I was using in the BYU library got jammed and messed up the order of a few pages in the middle of the document. My immediate reaction was to feel super irritated, but I had to tell myself that it was going to be okay and to just calm down.

This is disturbing to me! I think if these things had happened in Romania, my response would have been to let it go and say, "E bine!" I said, "E bine!" all the time in Romania. "E bine" means "It's cool/It's fine/It's good/No problem/Etc." in Romanian. I miss saying it, and I think I want to start saying "It's good" as often here as I said "E bine" while I was in Romania. I was so easy-going with malfunctioning things in Romania, and I want to have that same attitude here. I was so good at being inconvenienced in Romania, and I want to continue to strengthen and develop this attribute in America.

I don't want to be an ungrateful American. I want to always be grateful for my washing machine, hot water heater, and BYU printers, rather than feeling so irritated when they are temporarily malfunctioning. For the rest of my life, I want to battle the temptation to feel entitled to or deserving of whatever I want.

My Sisters

I have the best sisters in the world. I am so grateful that I was able to spend Christmas break with them. I had such a good time with them! They are such good examples to me of righteous women, daughters of God, wives, mothers, and neighbors. I hope I can grow to be more like them every day. I admire them so much!

I admire how Jessi:

Responds, "Absolutely!" when her kids or her kids' friends ask her for something they can have.

Decorates her home in the way that makes her (and me!) feel good and happy.

Is so self-sacrificing and willing to spend tons of time on service and gifts that are meaningful and special for her friends and family.

Gets not only herself ready and pretty every day, but also her four girls.

Can do amazing amounts of laundry.

Responds to her girls' moments of stubborness, sadness, embarrassment, and tantrums with patience and compassion.

Sits alone with her four girls all through Sacrament meeting every Sunday.

Can talk me through an emotional breakdown, helping me arrive at reason without making me feel stupid or guilty. :)

I admire how Audra:

Listens to her kids in a way that makes them feel comfortable to tell her anything.

Is so good at record-keeping, scrap-booking, photography, and the visual arts in general.

Can shop and accessorize as though it was nothing! :)

Praises her kids in a way that builds their self-confidence, without reinforcing the idea that their worth comes from their accomplishments.

Has a high-degree of self-awareness and self-understanding.

Teaches her boys why things are right and wrong, and doesn't withdraw love when they choose the wrong.

Encourages (and endures) her boys' extraordinary levels of energy and enthusiasm for life.

Can talk me through an emotional breakdown, helping me arrive at reason without making me feel stupid or guilty. :)

P.S. And aren't they both so beautiful?!!

I want to be smart

I have so much writing to do for my classes, I feel like I don't have time to write in my blog. But I think I'll try to post real short entries with quick thoughts for fun.
And today, I want to share something my mom told me today: No effort is wasted. Isn't that great?! No effort is wasted! Even if the effort doesn't result in any tangible or visible outcomes.
Also, I wanted to say that it's hard for me to be at school and not get sucked up in the attitude that being smart is the most important thing in the world. Yesterday I came home from my classes wanting to be smart so bad. Yesterday as I was thinking about that, I thought to myself, "I want to be smart...and social, and skinny, and spiritual, and successful..." Sometimes it's hard to not become overwhelmed here at BYU! Or remember what's most important. I need to remember that it's nice to be smart, but it's smarter to be nice. :) (Okay, so that's not how the MormonAd goes, but oh well...)
Also, it feels wonderful to be reunited with the BYU library. Oh how I love it!


Also, today I decided I need to be more humble. A lot more humble. I'll work on it.

My Amazing Boyfriend

Last August I posted an entry about how we can all do hard things if we believe in ourselves. My boyfriend Chad is an incredible example of this to me. I am consistently amazed by his ability to face challenges, cope with opposition, and do hard things! Right now he is in his second year of residency in pediatrics, and the demands placed on him at work are enormous. Not only is his work taxing physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. But I never hear him complain. He enjoys his work, and makes the most of the unpleasant aspects of the career he has chosen

You'd think his work would wear him out enough, but he also finds time to take on additional challenging activities outside of work. Last August during a particularly demanding rotation, he spent the one and only day he had off hiking Mt. Timpanogos with me. This picture is actually of us at the top of the mountain. The 16 mile hike left me sore for days after, but he was hardly phased by it. And why is that? Because he was well prepared by the triathlon he had completed less than a month prior.

Not only that, but he also finds time to travel, learn foreign languages, and save the world. :) Last September he completed a rotation in Guatemala, while undergoing a rigorous 4 week Spanish course. He also spent a week in Ecuador during a week he had off last June, and is currently planning a trip to Mexico with his family this March.

Speaking of Chad's family, he also makes sure to spend as much time with them as he can. I have been able to attend many family gatherings with him, and there have been even more I have not been able to attend with him. I know he is greatly loved as a son, grandson, nephew, brother, and uncle. Last weekend when I was able to see his family again for the first time in over four months, the first thing his three year old nephew said to me was, "Where's Uncle Chad?" Everyone loves him, because he is kind, humble, compassionate, witty, helpful, respectful, tolerant, and forgiving.

Now, you may just think I'm biased because I'm in love, but I really do think that anyone who knows Chad would agree with me that he is one remarkable person. And you know what's really remarkable? On top of everything, he still finds the time and energy to spend time with me, do the things I want to do (like hike Mt. Timpanogos!!), do nice things for me, talk to me on the phone, make the hour drive to visit me, and give me the emotional support I need. Wow, huh!!! Am I one lucky girl or what?!

Decisions, decisions

On a Friday in mid November, I went to a Relief Society activity at the Vila. At one point in the activity, we sat in a circle and each sister said a few things about themselves. I thought it was a simple enough request, and I didn’t think much about what I was going to say before my turn came. Instead, I just listened to what every one else had to say, and figured I could come up with a few interesting things to say about myself on the spot.

But when my turn came, my mind was blank of unique things to say. Only three things came to my mind—I loved working with the kids at the orphanage and the hospital, Chad C*, and the Book of Mormon. And none of them seemed quite appropriate for the setting to share. And so after sputtering awkwardly for a couple moments, I said that I liked to read, bake, and spend time with my family—three things that a lot of the other women had said they liked to do. While it’s true that I do love these things, I didn’t feel like they captured who I was at the moment. I hadn’t done a whole lot of reading, baking, or spending time with my family for a long time.

As I walked home that night, I thought more about things I could have said when it was my turn to share. As I thought more about it, I remembered that I liked to play tennis, and ballroom dance, and go hiking. It was almost as if I had momentarily forgotten these things about myself!My life was so simple in Romania.

Now I’m back home, and I realize I have to start thinking about myself more often. For instance, my wardrobe is getting a little old and worn out, and so my sisters and I went to the mall yesterday to revamp it. And I was forced to think about what my tastes are in clothes and accessories. As I tried on one article of clothing after another, the idea of just throwing on a pair of scrubs and taking a walk to the hospital sounded quite appealing. In Romania, I didn’t have to worry about all these complicated issues of whether these pants fit me right, or whether I like this shirt with that sweater, or if these pants match that blouse. I just wore scrubs every day!

But wearing scrubs all day every day for the rest of my life isn’t really an option, and neither is revolving my life solely around a few orphans, a long-distance boyfriend, and the Book of Mormon. I’m going to have to start thinking more about what I like, what I want, and how I want to spend my time and resources. Decisions, decisions!!

But here are a few things that I don't have to decide, because I already know them about myself:
I am a sucker for Cinderella stories. The movies Rudy, Seabiscuit, and Cinderella Man make me want to shout for joy.
I am a morning person. I feel better all day when I go to bed early and wake up early.
I sing with gusto whenever I sing in a church setting, because I love the concept of praising God through song. However, I am not too confident in my ability to sing solos for the pleasure of others’ ears.
I don’t know much about the principles of art, music, dance, movie-making, or theater, but I am absolutely delighted by them. I love imaginative stories, passionate music, and vibrant pictures in movies. I am moved by beautiful dancing. I love how walking through art museums uplifts my soul and widens my perspective of my own life. I love how going to the Symphony clears the palate of my mind.
I can eat a lot. In Romania, whenever we would visit someone and they would feed us tons of food, I would always still be going strong when others were reaching their limit of fullness. I also am able to enjoy a lot of foods others find unpleasant.
I love the Testing Center at BYU. I think it’s exciting to think about all the knowledge that is gone over and demonstrated in that building. In fact, I like the whole college atmosphere of learning and discovery and accomplishment.
I am naturally afraid of heights, but I’m trying to overcome that fear. I’ve never been afraid of flying in an airplane, though.
I love the smell of coffee and the taste of grapes, and I think if I weren't LDS I would love drinking coffee and wine. This is what the grapes looked like that I would always get from the piata in Romania--yumm!! I already miss them. They were so delicious.

Ionut

Yesterday we found out Ionut passed away. He passed away on Tuesday night, just one week after Iulia did. I loved this kid so much. He is my angel. I know I was there to comfort him, but I'm sure he comforted me more than I did him. I can't say how many times he was a source of spiritual strength and inspiration to me. I will miss him so much, but I will never forget him. He has changed my heart.

Nearly two months ago we had a false alarm and thought Ionut had died. I broke down, because I was not ready to let him go. I felt like I still needed him. Holly played this song as she tried to sort out her feelings, and I just sobbed as I listened to it. I will always think of him whenever I hear this song now. I love you, Ionut.















Tears in Heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Choosing rather than reacting

It’s best not to react to others’ behavior, but to choose for yourself how you will treat others, regardless of how they treat you. Even if others aren’t a friend to me, I can choose to be a friend to them. Even if others aren’t kind to me, I can choose to be kind to them. Even if others irritate me, I can choose to treat them with respect and concern and love. I can choose how I will feel and act—my feelings and behavior don’t have to be dependent on others’ feelings and behavior.

Emotional Orphans

At the orphanage, we get beat up a lot. For various reasons, we get stepped on, smacked, head-butted, punched, poked with sharp objects, kicked, and scratched. Our hair gets pulled daily. Being peed on or wiped with snot or spit is not a startling occurrence. But it usually doesn’t bother me, because they really don’t know better. I mean, come on, they’re orphans! No one is there to teach them any better. And often, it is just an accident, and they don’t mean to hurt me.
Well, it occurred to me that that’s the best way to respond when others hurt you. Because we are all emotional orphans in some aspects. No parent is perfect—no parent can teach their children everything. So when others hurt you, it’s best to just give them the benefit of the doubt that no one was there to teach them any better, that they really didn’t mean to hurt you, or that they just couldn’t help themselves. It’s best to just choose to be the bigger person and not get offended. Like Nephi did, it’s best to just “frankly forgive them” (1 Nephi 7:21).

On Wants and Needs

If you want something, ask for it! It’s your responsibility—not anyone else’s—to make sure your wants and needs are being met. It’s best to not victimize yourself when your wants or needs aren’t being met, but rather do what you can to get them met. Don’t feel sorry for yourself, become bitter or angry, or pout when you want someone to meet a need and they aren’t meeting it. They probably don’t even know you have that need, let alone that it is unmet or that you want them to meet it! So ask! And then do what you can to help them meet it. It works better that way.

Lesson #2--Golden Rule with a twist

What others want and need is not necessarily what I want or need. Treating others how I would want to be treated in a certain situation is not always the best. Rather, it would be better for me to be perceptive and sensitive to how they would want to be treated in that situation, and treat them accordingly.

A Time of Learning

Before I came here to Romania, I received a blessing from Adam, and one of the things that stood out to me in the blessing was that this will be a time of learning. That is definitely right! I am learning so much here! I’ve written down five of the things I am learning that have to do with interpersonal relationships, and I am going to try to add one a day for the next five days in my blog. Here’s today’s:

When you are focused on and mindful of the service you are giving to other people, it’s easy to get into the mindset that you deserve something from the people you’re serving. Whether that be a display of appreciation, expression of love, or reciprocation of some kind of service from them. But it’s best to try to not get into that mindset, but rather maintain an attitude that you don’t deserve anything for the good things you do. I’ve found a way to do this is to consider your service as serving God rather than whoever your service is aimed to benefit. Because a) when you serve others, you’re serving God!, and b) none of us deserve anything from God! We will forever be in debt to Him.
For example, when you do your roommates’ dishes, rather than thinking, “I’m such a good person, I’m doing their dishes. I hope they notice and are grateful for all this work I’m doing for them,” it’s better to think, “I’m so excited I get to serve God, because He is so eternally good and merciful to me, and I’m grateful I get to show my appreciation for everything He gives me.” This is hard to do, but I think it’s worth trying.

Beautiful, beautiful Budapest!!

One of the funnest things we did was visit Margaret's Island, an island in the Danube River that divides Budapest (what used to be two separate cities--Buda and Pest). There we rented these bike things and rode around the island. It was so incredibly beautiful with all the bright yellow leaves and the dark tree trunks. But none of my pictures really captured the beauty of it, sorry!














This is the view from the bridge that led us to Margaret Island. The left side is the Pest side of the city, and the right side is the Buda side of the city. We kept running into missionaries everywhere we went in Budapest (10 total over about four days), and the bridge I was standing on in this picture was one of those places. A couple minutes after we ran into the missionaries, a young man named Janos (Yanosh) joined those missionaries. While the rest of the girls in my group talked to the missionaries, I got to talk to Janos. We talked for probably around a half hour. Janos just recently turned nineteen and was baptized last August. He also recently baptized his little sister, and his little brother is taking the discussions! He was really fun to talk to. It was so cool to stand on this bridge, talking to this really great native Hungarian and recent convert, and look out to this view!















A close up of the Buda side of the city.















Parliament, on the Pest side of the city.















Jenna, Jessica, Bri, Abbi, Megan.















In this picture I am standing on the hill that leads up to Buda Castle. Sorry, I didn't take a picture of Buda Castle. It was the building the National Gallery was in. Can I just say that I love going to art museums?!















Shannon loving Budapest. We all loved Budapest so much. (This is a cool picture, huh!)















Me and Marina missing our boyfriends.




















A pretty church on Castle Hill on the Buda side. (It's the church you can see sticking up in the horizon in the third picture of this blog.)





















Part of Fisherman's Bastion, a cool-looking structure on Castle Hill that made me think of Minas Tirith (like a lot of old, castle-like things do :) ).

Also, I didn't take a picture of the State Opera House where Shannon and I went to a performance of Verdi's Requiem. The inside of the building was one of the most beautiful buildings I've been in, with its gold walls and red curtains and carpet. And the concert was one of the most breath-taking and moving and inspiring musical productions I have ever heard. It was honestly amazing. The height of operatic and choral music. I feel so blessed to have been able to experience it. Really, I feel so blessed to experience all that I did in Budapest. I would definitely like to visit it again!

Two Ward Pictures

From a Ward Picnic on September 30















My Sunday School Class!
Elder Child (sadly, he was transferred last week :( ), Stefana, me, Radu, and Andrea
Stefana is investigating the church, and Radu and Andrea are siblings.

Monastery Trip (about a month ago)

All ten of us girls! Bri, Abbi, Holly, Melissa, Megan, Jessica, Marina, Shannon, Jenna, and Sheri














Marina, Shannon, me, Jessica, and Megan

Last Sunday's Excursion

Me and my friends

Ionut and me (sorry about the bad lighting)
















Holly, Bri, and me















Me, Raluca, Stefana, Jenna, and Marina in the Vila